I didn't know how broken I actually was until yesterday.
When my boss stared at me in disbelief,
"You could had easily took this out without calling me! You totally underestimate yourself!"
The words didn't sank in till last night.
I felt like an absolute fool.
Why did I shortchange myself over and over again?
I blamed it on the long stretch of calls.
I blamed the events of the past week.
I blamed my inadequacy.
I blamed it on everything.
And mulled over it through the night.
It couldn't get more unhealthy than that...
I was burning out towards the end of the week.
But unlike last time, I couldn't see it till it hit me.
I kept telling everyone I'm good. But it showed.
It is so tiring to get to this stage again. The slow down of the inertia.
When all I feel like doing is give up, and continue thrashing my already battered ego and flop under the covers.
I am a runner.
And a coward with not much of a character.
And I absolutely abhor the people who saw right through me and dish me out with the facts about myself
Because I am still denying how helpless and weak I am.
I built that persona that you see. But I am not that persona.
That glimmer gets transparent in times like this that I loathe every bit that gets through.
Funny, how nothing much changed even after all this years,
In different company
In a different capacity.
I am still this alone in this shit.
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