Muse

My last 2 weeks break from JB seems like a flash of time speeding past my frenzied mind. Despite the vegetative state I was in, I wake up every morning forgetting if I had slept the night before. My night-time memory was so patchy. The many interlude of eyelids shuttering close and open. Catching my waking instances in rude time lapses. How has the mind managed to stay awake for so so long? 5 days and I walked about just like every other day.

The only difference? I stop paying attention to the voices around, the shouts, the cars, the sweltering heat or my room of 23 years. I think it feels like sleepwalking, except my eyes are wide open and I talked and ate and drank. But when it was time to head me, and when the rain came pouring once more, just like the day when I left JB, I think I woke up.

Well, at least within that one week I had beautiful dreams of riding the ferry to Penang, pestering my loverly sister, sitting down having coffee with familiar faces. It was good while it lasted. It is nice to know that I have a bad habit to think of worse possible outcomes. Cause at the end of the day, I am blessed with amends, forgiveness and trust, despite the fact that I already persecuted myself. Maybe because I have nobody to challenge my negating habit.

And I have died too many times I forget how to feel fear. Today I was reminded that dying isn't just all about myself or yourself. It is always more than that. Funny, how your life is never really yours at the end of the day.