Muse

mom said i love being included in a picture ever since i knew what the camera was for. (may explain my camwhoring abilities today)

i have a drawer full of photo albums in variety of poses and faces. apparently, i have the ability to morph after the age of 11. at birth, i swear my hair was as straight as the ironboard. but at say...11, when i decided to crop my tempurung hair and add some layers to it...it curled. beautifully and subtly at first.

then i guess the hormones must have raged within. instead of my baby black straight hair, i look into the mirror to see an unruly thick black mop atop my then bespectacled face. and in the same package, we also have the acne. but hey..i was a kid. vanity had no meaning then. i couldnt give crap about those lil' bumps.

i'll walk around in my oversized shirt and baggy jeans, sometimes without even running a comb through my hair.

mom told me one day when she was cutting my hair (yes..i was still tht unvain to let her cut my hair), she sighed and told me this

"you used to be a beautiful girl.. now even daddy ask me what happened. play computer summore la. now wear specs d" *continues cutting*

and at the age of 15, though i could comprehend her words, it didn't really bother me cause i was happy with who i am then. oblivious to the crushing disappointment of the parents. words could not penetrate me then. in my years as an adolescent, i had a colder heart than the one i have today. but when even my aunts. etc etc stop and stare and exclaimed

" *sigh* you were so pretty as a kid. now....."

i guess the word slowly eat into me. deep. had many comments. here are among the famous ones.

1. you look like a malay
2. you look so old.
3. ....... (this would be the part where they were left in wonderations on how i become so not pretty)

i grew older. and more conscious of my appearance. but how can you do anything when you body absorbs the thick hair gene from ur mom and the curly allele from ur dad?

technically, i cant do much without the help of technology *grins* and make up *grins wider* and by even simply growing older.

as the number adds to the age, the acne problems resolves by itself, rebonding is a norm to manage the hair. from that moment on.... there were always changes. still, who said it was good changes? they were many experimental looks, many humiliating moments and many laughable ones *smiles* all in the walk further from the kid i was.

as a child



and in the many years in between


till today

the 'me' in my early secondary is even more hillariously ugly. unfortunately.. i cant seem to find a picture to post here.. perhaps another day.

reaching today, when i look back into my own faces in the years behind, i felt like another girl staring down at 'her'. i cant see myself getting here. there were few moments where the butterfly collide in my stomach. its as if a part of me died in my new shell. its as if i were never her.
i just cant seem to find the bridge to link us. damn. shit happens a lot these days.

hrmmms.. it is indeed years of masquerade for me. i used to believe beauty is only a shallow outer-shell for the vain. however, as the realness of reality cant be any truer, the taunts and words do get to you at some point. or perhaps im just not as tough as i think i am to stand in my own flaw, unadorned, unmade in that tangled mass of a hair.